Why We Need to Focus on Being Kind Not Nice
Increasingly I see a difference in both the motivation and the outcomes, of people trying to be “nice”, rather than “kind”.
And I passionately believe that kindness trumps niceness, every time.
In my personal and professional experience, I’ve learned that females tend to be taught to be nice, more than men. To not make a fuss, to include others, to share, to consider the likely reactions of others, to serve others, to put ourselves after others…the list goes on. Over and over and over again, I’ve heard clients lament “ but I was just trying to be niiiiiiiiice”.
When we act according to our conditioning, often in an unconscious way, it can lead us to behave in ways that are not always authentic. It is not actually in our best interest to consistently put others’ needs ahead of our own. To go against our gut feel, in preference of what we’ve been taught is the only appropriate way to act, i.e. serve others. Over and over and over again, I see - and I’ve experienced it myself in the past - that when we’re trying to do what’s best for others, at our own cost, it’s rarely appreciated or noted, and resentment, fear and anger are the likely outcomes.
Kindness, in my view is the better alternative. Starting with ourselves and in a conscious way, being kind to others, yields completely different experiences and outcomes. Kindness involves thinking of ourselves and others. Forgiving ourselves, forgiving others. Seeing all of our behaviour as different from who we are as people. Understanding that everyone behaves according to their unique background and experience. When we operate from this lens, no one is depleted. Rather everyone is seen in the truth of who they are and where they are at this given moment.
Although I would argue that kindness for others, must start with ourselves, that it is not to say that we need to become narcissistic in any way! We know that being in community, and serving an agenda that is not solely individualised, is a key foundation of happiness. It is my contention however that this can only be achieved through a backbone of conscious kindness, not unconscious niceness!
